i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
