I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
we're so committed to being not committed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
