OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
