my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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