chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
