So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
