Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
