i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
