if i can run in heels then i can drive
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You've changed since you got that strap on
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
