Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
