I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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