Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
