and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
