my sisters under your porch take her home
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
did i walk over a car last night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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