Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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