his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
