the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
