Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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