Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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