420 ftw
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
