Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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