She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
