The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
