We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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