he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
