Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
