I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
