I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We named our party play list daddy issues
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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