Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
