he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
