Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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