you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
