Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
