My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
