I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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