I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just high enough for therapy.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
