We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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