You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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