He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
