I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
