She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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