I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
