so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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