I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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