Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
