theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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