He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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