When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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