I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I smell like Dick and happiness
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
