i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
