Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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