I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
