you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
