I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
