Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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