Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
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And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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