i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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