Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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